


The Mortifying Ordeal of Caring (Too Much)

by madamecrimson



Series: Life's Mortifying Ordeals [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, M/M, Multi, OT4, Pandemics, Polyamory, Quarantine, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26705320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamecrimson/pseuds/madamecrimson
Summary: "And I'm Shane. I've been called a nihilist, but I prefer existentially grounded."nihilism.noun.the rejection of all religious and moral principles, in the belief that life is meaningless.Nihilism was a philosophy that Shane had aligned himself with before he was even aware of the term's existence.Life was simply easier when governed by the thought that everything could end tomorrow and all things would cease to matter.In this regard, Shane exuded a chronic nonchalance that was often confusing and sometimes aggravating to those around him. He appeared eternally unbothered, even in situations where most might express fear, sadness, or some other intense and unpleasant emotion.However, ‘nihilistic’ was entirely the wrong term to describe Shane.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Marielle Scott, Ryan Bergara/Sara Rubin, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej/Sara Rubin/Marielle Scott, Sara Rubin/Marielle Scott, Shane Madej/Marielle Scott, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin
Series: Life's Mortifying Ordeals [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943455
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	1. Denial's Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the fantastic [uneventfulhouses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uneventfulhouses). All mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Chapters 1 and 3 heavily feature Shane/Sara, with mentions of Shane/Ryan. Chapters 2 and 4 heavily features Shane/Ryan. Chapter 5 heavily features Shane/Ryan and Shane/Ryan/Sara, with mentions of Mari. Mari will have a larger role in subsequent works in this series.

Could he really say that most things were "insignificant," when he would dodge opportunities to cook a complex meal, play a new video game, or engage in most any activity for an extended period if he didn't have the confidence that he would immediately succeed at it? 

Could he really call conflict "pointless" when he steadfastly evaded it at the first hint of its presence? 

Could he really refer to life as "meaningless" when he consciously abstained from expressing any issue he experienced to those he cared about?

Displaying chronic nonchalance only served as a veil to mask Shane's chronic avoidance. 

Because one doesn't "avoid," when things don't matter. 

They "avoid" when things matter far too much. 

In fact, Shane was so practiced at avoidance, that most of the time he was skillfully able to escape thoughts and feelings that he didn't want to deal with. Unfortunately, the quarantine had left him with far too much time for his mind to roam and ruminate. 

At night, he would often grow restless after Sara and his agreed upon bedtime of 10 PM. He would toss and turn beneath the sheets, fighting to quiet his mind or refocus it on something soothing. After about a half hour or so, he would end up retreating to the living room so that he didn't disturb Sara's sleep. For a while, he had been able to rely on playing Skyrim or Red Dead Redemption, entering into an entirely different world where he could act without consequences. When his body would start to feel heavy and his eyelids would begin to droop, he would save and turn off the game, shuffling quietly back into bed. 

He wasn't entirely certain of why or when exactly, but his nightly temporary reprieve began to stop working. 

He would turn on a game, ready to play, but would leave characters remaining still as his mind wandered into the existential. If he were to make the character act in such a way that resulted in an unpleasant outcome, he could merely reset the game to the time before the action was taken. It would be as if the action was never taken in the first place, thus rendering it meaningless. 

On this particular night, Shane was also dealing with the problem of a broken air conditioner in his building. All the windows were open, and he could hear the buzzing whir of the electrical fan they had going. It rotated slowly, leaving him weighed down by the heavy humidity of a hot California night one minute, and caressed by a cool breeze the next. There was a predictable rhythm to the oscillation. 

A soft sound broke through the white noise, and Shane looked up to see Sara slipping out the door of their bedroom, shutting it gently behind her. She tiptoed toward the sofa and sat down next to Shane, resting her elbow on the back of it as she leaned her cheek against her hand. 

"Obi's asleep," she explained, her eyes sparkling in the fairy lights she'd hung up on the walls, imbued by the purple of their black light lamp. 

Shane felt a sense of calm wash over him at the familiar warmth of her smile and the ease of her quiet demeanor; and just as suddenly, he felt a pang of guilt pierce through his chest. He would never even dream of asking Sara to comfort him, knowing she had to work in the morning, not to mention her own emotional entanglements to wrestle with. And yet somehow, she always seemed to know how to make him feel better. 

The day that Watcher's first Puppet History guest cancelled, he'd burst into tears and laid on the floor by his homemade puppet stage, the Professor clutched to his chest. Sara had sat down cross-legged by his side, turned on Shane's favorite lo-fi hip hop station, and lifted his head into her lap. She had soothingly run her fingers through his hair, until Shane's phone pinged with a message to the Watcher slack account; it was from Steven, offering to be the first guest. He told her the good news, frantically texting his thanks to Steven, and Sara had gently dabbed at his damp cheeks with a tissue. And when he'd looked up at her with a worried expression, his eyes darting to the colored pencil tucked behind her ear and the kneaded eraser she'd stuck onto her knuckle, Sara merely leaned down and kissed it all away.

Tonight, Sara comfortingly laid her small hand on his thigh, and Shane smiled down at the clash of her brightly colored Adventure Time themed nail art against his plain gray sweatpants. When he met her gaze, her eyes were soft around the edges, and she was giving him that Look, the one that said he was a well-worn book with doggie-eared pages that she'd read many many times and was still her favorite. It filled him with both fondness and fear, a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest and a cold clench in his stomach. 

As much as Shane wanted to avoid why he'd been out here alone on the couch night after night, trying to escape the confines of his mind, Sara already knew. It wasn't often that she coaxed verbal explanations out of him, knowing how hard anything emotional was for him to discuss. He placed his large hand on top of hers, eclipsing it entirely, as he steeled himself for what she was about to say. 

"So, how much longer are we going to pretend that you're not in love with Ryan?" she asked. 

Shane felt as if the air had been ripped from his lungs. Sara had always been direct. It was one of the many things he loved about her. 

But this was something they'd always had an unspoken understanding about. 

She'd toss in a smirk or a wink here and there to Shane when they were both around Ryan, but otherwise it was just something that lingered in the background: a flicker of heat that crawled up his neck when Ryan smiled so wide that Shane wondered if his face hurt, the way Shane’s shoulder or thigh would tingle after Ryan had placed a hand there for just a moment too long, the way his stomach fluttered when Ryan drew a fully belly laugh out of him.

Shane had convinced himself that if he just left it unsaid, if the words weren’t released into the atmosphere, then it wasn't true. 

He looked at her helplessly, and her tiny thumb came up to rub gently over the back of his hand. He wanted to ask what made her bring this up now, a too-hot night in Month Infinity of quarantine. 

"It's...worked out pretty well so far," Shane defended weakly. 

Sara tilted her head to the side, squinting at him. "Has it though?" she asked incredulously. 

Shane's eyes fell to the couch cushions. He tried not to think of the way Ryan's grin made his heart race, the way warmth bloomed in his chest when Ryan would throw in a bit or reference just for Shane, the way sleeping on opposite sides of the bed with what felt like acres of space between them had blossomed into casual touches that lingered well past the point of platonic. 

It had never worked, and years gone by had only increased the aching emptiness of simultaneously being inches apart and miles away. Shane hung his head in defeat, leaning over a great deal as he rested his forehead against Sara's bony shoulder. He supposed Sara’s timing didn't matter when the inevitable was ever present just beneath the surface. 

The weight of his guilt was heavy in his chest. He felt like he was slighting both Ryan _and_ Sara. 

With Ryan, he felt like he was being disingenuous, questioning if their increased affection toward one another over the years was a result of his own manipulation of Ryan’s people pleasing tendencies. He was able to temporarily lose this worry in the times he did spend with Ryan. But when Shane was alone, the room quiet, his mind loud, the fear clung to him, wrapping itself around him and making it hard to breathe. 

With Sara, he felt like he was disrespecting her, and their relationship. A small minority of Shane’s fans would sometimes be rather vicious to her, questioning or demeaning her as though she wasn’t good enough for him, or posting comments to her social media accounts that were only about him. It was important to him to show her just how much he loved her, just how special she was to him, how irreplaceable she was. He never wanted her to feel like she wasn’t enough for him. 

“Sara, I want to be with _you_ ,” he whispered. 

Sara shrugged, bouncing Shane’s head a little. “You can be in love with more than one person you know. That’s just how some folks are wired.” 

“That’s selfish,” Shane retorted. 

“It’s not,” Sara replied. “A lot of people use the ice cream flavor metaphor, but that just trivializes poly relationships.” 

Shane pulled back to look at her. “Have you...researched this?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. 

“You say that like it’s some kind of weird sci-fi phenomenon,” she told him. “It’s like being gay, straight, or somewhere in between. It’s just how people are. Some people are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some are ambiamorous and would be satisfied by a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship, depending on the people involved.” 

Shane merely gaped at her, and then appeared thoughtful for a moment. “I suppose that makes sense.” 

His mind wandered as he tried to imagine what dating both Ryan and Sara would be like. It would be animated horror cartoons on lazy Sunday afternoons, it would be Sara curled up small and soft against him with Ryan firm and solid on his other side, it would be milky thighs and tan toned biceps and--

Shane flushed and shook his head out of that line of thinking. He glanced up at Sara to find her watching him with a warm and knowing smile, tinged with trepidation. 

“Ryan is _painfully_ straight,” Shane told her. 

“Because that’s what everyone believes. How many people know you’re not?” Sara inquired. 

Shane had never really taken the time to label his sexuality, allowing others to do it for him. Aloof and timid, there had only been a few people who possessed the immense amount of patience required to show Shane that they were interested and they just all happened to be women. And when people _did_ wonder about Shane’s sexuality, he just allowed them to draw their own conclusions, not feeling like explaining it. 

"You're going to be filming in person again soon," she reminded him gently as she kissed the top of his head. "So, what are you doing to do?" 

Sara's words sliced through Shane's skin like a million little knives and heat bled through him as he became overwhelmed by the feelings he'd ignored for so long. He suddenly was dizzy and light-headed, squeezing his eyes shut and laying his cheek against the back of the couch. The fingers of Sara's free hand moved to card through his hair and he melted under her touch. 

Shane leaned forward again and physically crumpled against her, giving a short little shrug of his shoulders. 

He was terrified. Bone chillingly shit-his-pants terrified. 

The supernatural was nowhere near as scary as reality.

He hooked a lanky arm around Sara's tiny waist, his fingers clutching at her shirt, as the last remnants of his prepared excuses seemed to slowly fade away. Sara gently traced random patterns along Shane's back and he eased slightly beneath her ministrations. 

"I don’t...I don’t wanna lose him," Shane whispered shakily, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt himself shatter inside at the admittance. He curled his legs up onto the couch, trying to make himself as small as possible. 

"You're not going to lose him," Sara assured him, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. 

Shane stiffened as he ran through the scenario of Ryan discovering Shane's feelings in his head. 

Ryan would obsess over it, just like he did over everything else. 

His mind would comb through every instance in their friendship where things felt like the two of them might be slightly more than what they were. He would overanalyze his own behavior, wondering if he'd somehow led Shane on without meaning to. He would claim that nothing had to change between them and then overcompensate through his actions. He would slowly distance himself from Shane, unraveling everything they'd built towards in their friendship, until the only thing that remained was a frayed thread of what once was.

And Shane couldn't bear that. 

He felt Sara wind her slender arms around him, belatedly realizing that his cheeks were wet. He buried his face against her neck as his body wracked with sobs. 

Once he'd finally calmed, Sara pulled back to look at him, cradling his face in her hands. He leaned gratefully into her touch, his eyes falling closed as her thumb swiped away a few lingering tears that clung to his skin. 

When he opened his eyes again, he could see Sara chewing on her bottom lip, the way she did when she was reluctant to say something. 

It was a rare sight, and it made Shane's already rattled insides squirm with the uncertainty. 

"Sara?" he prompted. 

She let out a heavy sigh, her hands dropping to clasp around one of Shane's. 

"This is between the two of you," Sara began. 

Her eyes darted away from his, and her fingertips began to drum along the back of his hand. It looked like she might even be blushing, but it was difficult to tell in this light. Shane raised his eyebrows expectantly. 

After a beat, Sara smiled at him, leaning up to kiss Shane gently on the lips. She lingered there for a moment before standing, and placed Shane's hand back in his lap. His eyes followed her and he could tell that there was something she wasn't telling him, but he had no idea what it was. 

She nodded toward their bedroom door. "Wanna come back to bed?" she asked softly. 

"Yeah," Shane mumbled, feeling far more tired than he realized.

He pushed himself up off the sofa, and Sara lovingly took his hand as they walked back to their bedroom. He felt a warmth in his chest at just how delicate and loving her touch was. Shane got into bed and Sara slid under the covers behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and nuzzling her cheek against his back. Shane smiled as he laid his hand on top of hers, thankful that Sara had calmed him enough so that he could finally get some sleep.


	2. Too Close To Hide, Too Far To Reach

The next few weeks seemed to fly by in a rush as Shane and the rest of Watcher worked diligently to prepare for their first full staff, in-person (albeit socially distanced) shoot in months. There was a lot that went into it: ensuring where the cameras would be positioned, selecting an appropriate location, and of course conceptualizing the content itself. They had decided to film an episode of Top 5 Beatdown, acknowledging that trying to do it over Zoom simply wouldn't have the same richness as filming petty movie reference filled banter in person. Shane had been so swamped that when the day came it almost didn't feel real. 

Shane's hands began to feel clammy and his fingertips felt cold in the Lyft ride on the way to Ryan and Mari's back yard. His heart thumped wildly in his chest as he tried to reassure himself that this was still the same job he had been working at since January, familiar content, familiar people. 

Things hadn't been the same since they started working on Watcher. 

The prospect of leaving a successful and relatively steady job at Buzzfeed to strike out on their own and start a company, was beyond anything Shane had ever even considered in his career. They would be working with a fraction of the money and resources that had previously been available to them, and there was no guarantee of success. 

It was a life changing, risk riddled decision; but when Ryan asked him, just as when he’d asked Shane to co-host Unsolved with him all those years ago, he’d said yes. 

Shane really didn’t want to examine the significance of that.

Despite Shane’s best efforts to continue concealing any glimpse of emotional vulnerability, Ryan hadn’t been lying when he said that they had spent more time with the other person than any other human over the past 5 years. Ryan had been slowly, meticulously, picking away at Shane’s layers, and it was disconcerting to not know all the things Ryan had discovered. But Shane’s refusal to discuss any of it would leave that a mystery. 

He at least didn’t think Ryan knew about Shane’s feelings for him; if that were the case, Ryan would have run for the hills long ago. Though he may have shed his “no homo” frat boy image, Shane doubted that Ryan had ever even entertained the idea of being with another man. 

He stepped out of the car when they arrived, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his jean jacket. 

The last time Shane had seen Ryan in person, Ryan wasn't living with Mari, still in his bro-filled bachelor pad. Shane had Sara had been by her house once or twice but it was still relatively unfamiliar to him. He could see people scattered throughout the backyard, setting up film equipment while keeping a six foot distance, their voices merging into a dull murmur. As he walked closer though, he realized he could recognize each and every person there. Katie was already hard at work ensuring everything was in order, Steven had dyed his hair again and was intently focused on getting ready to run sound, Brittany was setting up the clapperboards. 

Shane felt a lump in his throat as a wave of emotion swept over him. While he’d lauded the solitude that the quarantine had afforded him, it couldn’t compare to the immense fondness that flooded through him as he took in the sight of his co-workers. 

When his eyes landed on Ryan amidst the group, Shane felt like he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him. 

Ryan was talking and laughing about something with TJ, who had his hands on his hips and was shaking his head, when Ryan abruptly turned and stared directly at Shane. 

He felt pinned there, feeling his heart begin to race at the way Ryan's mouth stretched into the widest smile Shane had ever seen. Ryan ducked his head down to wipe at his eyes, before beaming up at him again and Shane's chest ached. He couldn't seem to will his legs to move, held there captivated by the way Ryan was looking at him, feeling something prickling behind his own eyes. 

"You're safe at six feet Shane! Trust me, he's clean!" Mari called out, holding a comically large bottle of hand sanitizer, and breaking Shane out of his trance. 

Shane burst into a laugh as he made his way to where the cheap lawn chairs from previous episodes had been set up with six feet of distance between them. 

"Well I'd trust you on that before Ryan," Shane teased, feeling something in him relax. 

"Hey Big Guy," Ryan greeted, and Shane felt his knees threatening to buckle at the fondness in Ryan's voice. 

Shane made his way to his designated chair and sunk down into it. Ryan and he easily fell into conversation, into their normal banter, and Shane could feel the familiar fluttering of his heart. They would frequently veer off into tangents, a give and take where one would lead and the other would follow, only for them to seamlessly switch roles in the middle of the conversation. Even if they were in a group of people, one of them would say something, specifically to ignite the other, and they'd got lost in their own little world to the annoyance of everyone around them. 

All too soon it was time for filming to begin, and it was then that Shane noticed how far forward they had been leaning over the arm rests of their chairs to face each other. His fingers throbbed slightly with how tight his grip had been. 

The increased physical space between them was certainly something new, but the emotional distance was a long-standing presence that had never managed to quite close the gap. It had shrunk over the years, but it was that final push, the ending slide, that they'd never been able to reach. 

It had nearly happened in New Orleans. 

Their night spent on Bourbon street was all bright lights and colorful beads, loud pounding music and heartbeats thrumming along to the rhythm of festivities outside. It was the weight of Ryan's arm slung around his shoulders, and the heat of his body pressed along Shane's side as they'd stumbled back to their cheap hotel room. Shane had barely managed to slide his hand along the wall to flip on the lightswitch. Ryan's arms had encircled his waist, taking them both tumbling down on the bed. They'd lost themselves in a fit of giggles and Shane's arms somehow found their way around Ryan. 

Once their laughter had finally died down, the room was silent and the dim lighting of the singular lamp on the nightstand bathed them in gold. All of Shane's focus shifted entirely to Ryan. 

Shane could feel the warmth of Ryan's skin seeping through his t-shirt and into his hands, his chest. They were close enough that Ryan's breath was a hot puff of air across his cheek, his large brown eyes rich with a tenderness that left Shane speechless, and soft looking lips that with a mere slight tilt of his head would have been against his own. 

A chill of panic settled into his bones as Shane leapt up from the bed and raced toward the bathroom, slamming the door behind him before he slumped sick over the toilet. 

He knew in the morning he'd blame it all on the alcohol. 

There was nothing more sobering than the intoxication of too many emotions. 

Filming wrapped up for the day and the stormy sky on the Lyft ride home seemed oddly appropriate.


	3. Beneath Our Skin

Shane was both thankful and sad about the fact that they'd only been able to shoot one episode in person that week. It had brought him physically closer to Ryan than he'd been in months, and yet he could still feel the long expanse of distance between them. It was as if the universe was stabbing him with a metaphor. 

As the week crawled by, Shane felt his Zoom meetings with Ryan become increasingly difficult. Ryan would shoot him a smile and Shane would feel his insides turn into mush. They would get into a loop of banter, Ryan laughing so hard that he clapped a hand over his chest, and Shane would feel an all too familiar dull ache settle in his stomach. He kept wracking his brain, urgently trying to remember how he managed this prior to the quarantine. 

But ever since that night in the living room, when Sara looked at him with kind eyes and his feelings had spilled out all over the living room rug, he'd been unable to return to his previous denial. 

It was another Friday night in a global pandemic with nothing to do. Shane once again found himself slumped on the couch, controller in hand, not even making it past the start screen this time. 

His yearning prickled under his skin, coursing through him like gasoline, and threatening to set him ablaze at the tiniest scrape of a match. 

He heard the door to the office creak open and Sara stepped into the living room. He smiled over at her warmly when he noticed she'd tied one of his neckerchiefs into her hair. She sat down beside him, lifting her forearms, curling and uncurling her fingers. 

"Oil pastels are on a whole different level of grip pain," she lamented. 

Shane nodded in reply, scooting toward Sara until he could feel the warmth of her against him. He draped a long arm around her shoulders and inhaled the earthy flowery scent of her curly hair shampoo. 

Sara squirmed a little where she sat and Shane cocked an eyebrow at her curiously. 

"Is it still too soon for me to ask about Ryan?" Sara inquired conscientiously. 

Shane's cheeks reddened immediately. He was going to need to figure something out because they were shooting again in person next week and it wouldn't do for him to get tongue-tied around the person he'd been working the closest with for the past 5 years. 

"What do you want to know?" Shane asked quietly as Sara slid her fingers up Shane's back to the nape of his neck, brushing her fingers through his hair. 

"How was he?" Sara asked. 

"Uh...good, I think," Shane replied. "Why?" His interest was peaked by the fact that she seemed so interested. 

"Just good?" Sara urged quietly, walking her index and middle finger down the absurdly long length of Shane's arm and down his chest. When she reached the hem of his sweatpants, she allowed her hand to linger. 

Shane swallowed thickly. Sara was soft and warm against him, talking about Ryan who had been invading his thoughts more so than usual lately, while she practically had her hand down his pants. It was A Lot to say the least. 

"What was he wearing? Think he's still keeping up his workout regime?" Sara whispered, beginning to rub over the thickening bulge in his pants. 

Shane shuddered, curling his fingers into her hair. He turned to look at Sara, the normal azure of her eyes nearly swallowed by the darkness of her pupils, her lips curved into a coy smile. Shane could feel heat shoot straight to his cock and he leaned in to press his lips firmly to Sara's. She sighed against him, using the tip of her tongue to sneak past Shane's lips. Shane shuddered, kissing her back roughly, and bringing a hand down to cup Sara's breast, his thumb flicking her nipple through her shirt. Sara moaned and climbed into his lap. She slinked her slender arms around his neck and leaned down to whisper in his ear as he tore off her teeny pajama shorts and purple panties. 

"I bet if Ryan were here right now, he'd put us both in a lot of trouble just by taking his shirt off," Sara murmured. 

Shane panted heavily, dragging his long fingers down the smooth skin of Sara's thigh to the heat of her cunt. 

"Fuck, you're so wet," Shane gasped, dizzy at the thought of her soaking a wet patch into the fabric of his pants. He slipped his middle finger inside her as thumbed over her clit. 

"It'd feel so good to have both of you fucking me at the same time," Sara said shakily. 

"F-fuck Sara," Shane stammered both surprised and achingly hard from Sara's unexpected dirty talk. 

He slipped another finger inside her and Sara keened into his touch, grasping at Shane's hair. He increased the pressure on her clit with his thumb and Sara threw her head back, soft moans falling from her lips. 

"He's a lot stronger than us. Those thighs... He could ride you, or fuck you from behind while you fucked me with your tongue," Sara said darkly and Shane couldn't take it anymore. 

He grasped Sara by the hips and set her down easily on the couch, getting down to kneel on the floor. He pressed his tongue directly to her clit and Sara pulled Shane against her by the hair, moaning obscenely. 

He lapped eagerly at the wetness as he imagined Ryan behind him, Ryan's fingers pressing into his hips, Ryan's cock inside him; he drank in the sight of the other half of this fantasy, Sara's pale legs spread, her cheeks flushed a gorgeous shade of red, her curls falling into her eyes as the neckerchief was barely able to hang on. 

"Then," Sara said breathlessly, rutting herself against Shane's mouth, shuddering between broken sentences, "you're--you could s-switch places and--f-fuck." 

Sara's back arched as she came, her body shaking before she gently pushed Shane's head away from her, feeling too sensitive. 

Shane's hair was a mess, hanging in his face as he shoved a hand down his sweatpants. His eyes met Sara’s as he fucked into his hand. It only took a few strokes before Shane was spilling over himself, crying out some sort of gibberish as his body jerked forward. His hand trembled as he slowly drew it out of his pants and collapsed on the floor. 

"Fuck," he breathed, his face hot and damp. 

Sara smiled down at him, as if she were patiently waiting for something. 

Once Shane's head stopped spinning he slowly sat up. 

"Is that um...Is that something you'd like to try?" he asked in a failed attempt at casual, still a bit out of breath. 

Sara grinned and gave him a wink. She leaned down to kiss him gently on the forehead. "I'm going to go shower while you pick your jaw up off the floor," she teased as she headed for the bathroom. 

Shane just sat there leaning on his hands, staring out into the face in front of him, dumbfounded.


	4. Warmth in My Memories

The following week was an odd mix of days that either passed so quickly it felt like a single snap of fingers took him from morning to night, or dragged on for so long it was as if grains of sand had gotten stuck in an hourglass. 

Shane had volunteered to restock the breather office kitchen with coffee, tea, snacks and other such supplies. As he made his way up to the glass door, he felt something twist in his chest. 

His mind traveled back to when he first moved to LA, arriving with nothing but a large suitcase and a sleeping bag, working shit jobs to pay the bills while he tried to break into the film industry. His days consisted of hauling himself out of bed in the morning, and sulking into the night only to wake up and do it all again. 

Then, the opportunity to work at Buzzfeed arose. By chance, Ryan’s assigned deskspace had been next to Shane’s. 

And now, five years later, they had created a company together with Steven, and a team of extremely amazing people. 

It was hard to believe how far they’d come. 

He made his way inside, turning on all the lights, smiling as he passed by the Watcher Weekly couch and the gorgeously hand-painted mural. 

He had barely even set the shopping bags on the counter when he heard the door open behind him. Shane turned around, feeling his breath catch as he came face to face with Ryan. It felt odd, now that it was just the two of them, to still enforce the necessary physical distance. 

“Hey Big Guy,” Ryan said softly and Shane felt like he was going to melt into his shoes. 

Ryan gestured towards the grocery bags. “Did you stock up on jellybeans?” 

Shane smirked, reaching inside and holding up a gargantuan bag of jellybeans, unable to help chuckling at Ryan’s childlike delight.

Ryan moved as if to step forward, then hesitated. He teetered a bit awkwardly before finding a place to stand that was closer to yet still far away enough from Shane. 

“Well it’s definitely cheaper than ghost hunting equipment,” Ryan commented, running a hand through his hair and making Shane’s legs feel like butter. 

“And with all the money we aren’t spending on over-glorified radios we can--” Shane began. 

“Shut up Shane,” Ryan interrupted and they both burst into laughter. “Man, it’s weird to not be shooting Supernatural this year,” he went on once the laughter died down. 

Shane nodded. “Another Summer tradition lost to the pandemic,” he replied morosely. 

Ryan dropped his gaze, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Do you remember our trip to New Orleans? Dauphine Hotel?" 

Shane felt like his heart stopped and he leaned against the counter in an effort to look more casual. He reasoned that this was probably another side effect of being in his head too much during quarantine and that there probably wasn’t any significance attached to Ryan’s question whatsoever. “The one where you insisted that it was the upstairs ghosts stomping around and making a racket, and not the clearly corporeal guests?” 

“They said it wasn’t them!” Ryan defended. His expression softened and Shane felt his heartbeat quicken. "You know the sweet little Southern lady who checked us in?"

Shane chuckled. “She was certainly a character. What was her name, Betty Lou?” 

“Betty Sue,” Ryan corrected. “She was uh...she was very friendly, if you’ll recall.” His cheeks reddened as he shuffled his feet a little. "She said," 'Honey, if you wanna impress that lil cowbeauxfriend of yours, I'd suggest springin' for a deluxe suite.’ 

Ryan’s attempt at a Southern accent was awful, but it did make them both giggle. Ryan looked up at him, and Shane knew he was waiting for an answer. 

“Yeah,” he said softly, feeling his entire back tense with caution. 

Ryan’s gaze turned shy, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, and Shane found it painfully endearing. "Uh...maybe I should have. You know, uh, sprung for it?" 

Shane felt his body flush from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. 

It was a familiar dance. One of them would toe the line just a little too closely and the other would reign them back in with a dismissive comment or tangential joke, thus continuing their constant game of tug of war. 

Shane felt something in him break. He was weak and tired from this tug of war between them and he let the proverbial rope fall to the floor. 

"Yeah," Shane agreed. "Maybe...you should have." 

Ryan met Shane’s eyes, something like awe or maybe just surprise in his gaze that soon morphed into a smile so warm that Shane could almost feel it wrap itself around him. He couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Want some jelly beans?” Shane asked, grabbing a small cup from the cupboard. 

“Yeah I love jelly beans!” Ryan grinned. 

“I know,” Shane replied softly.


	5. Hearts Entwined

Shane’s phone buzzed obnoxiously and insistently the following morning, despite it being far too early on a Saturday. Sara made a soft noise of irritation and proceeded to shimmy further under the covers and hide beneath them from the horrendous sound. Shane frowned and sleepily turned over, noting that it was 8 AM and someone had had the insane idea to call him. 

“Hm?” Shane greeted, blearily trying to blink his eyes open. 

“It’s over!” Ryan’s voice cheered from the other end of the line. 

“Wh--What?” Shane asked, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand. 

“We’re in level 3 of post-quarantine bro!” Ryan replied excitedly. “A shitton of public places are still closed but uh...social distancing rules have been lessened, larger groups can hang out again.” 

It took Shane’s mind a few moments to wake up and absorb what Ryan was saying. “That’s great,” he replied softly, feeling his cheeks grow warm as his mind wandered back to yesterday’s conversation. He tried to calm himself, not wanting to hinge his hope on a joke turned flirtatious. “And you decided to inform me of this now, when you’ve stated that any time before 10 AM is far too early to wake up on the weekend?” 

“One step closer to going to Disneyland again! Disney World. Knott’s Berry Farm!” Ryan said. 

Shane chuckled in spite of himself and stood to his feet. He quietly slipped out of the room so Sara could get some more sleep. 

“But what will become of your dreary podcast?” Shane asked, stepping out into the living room. 

“The whole point of it was to ultimately not have to have one anymore!” Ryan responded. “You down for a Hitchcock marathon today?” 

Shane felt his heart begin to race. His fingers shook slightly where they gripped his phone. He wondered if Ryan would want to hug him and his heart leapt into his throat at the thought. 

“Shane?” Ryan prompted. 

“Uh yeah! Sounds great,” Shane grinned. “What time were you thinking?” 

“Well uh...now works,” Ryan said, and Shane could hear the uncertainty in his voice. 

He paused for a few moments until he dissolved into giggles. “You’re already here aren’t you?” 

“You know it buddy!” Ryan laughed. 

Shane looked at himself in the hall mirror, wincing at the current state of his hair, knowing he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet that morning, that he was still in his pajamas, that--

“Shane?” Ryan asked again. 

“Yeah. I’m coming,” Shane replied. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. His palms felt clammy as he moved in front of the door. He squared his shoulders and tried to school his expression into one of as much neutrality as he could muster. He drew in a deep breath and opened the door. 

He didn’t even have time to say anything before Ryan had thrown his arms around him, nearly knocking Shane off his feet. Shane forced himself to remain steady as he slid his arms around Ryan. 

It felt like his heart might burst out of his chest. 

And then he knew it would when he felt Ryan nuzzling his cheek against his shoulder. 

“I fucking missed you man,” Ryan sighed, and Shane could feel a touch of wetness soaking into his t-shirt. 

Shane swallowed thickly. He could barely handle his own emotions, let alone someone else’s; but in that moment, he knew he was feeling the same way Ryan was. 

It was a lot all at once, nearly to the point of being overwhelming; Ryan’s arms were strong and tight around him, his skin warm in all the places Ryan was pressed against him. Shane ached to touch him more, to feel Ryan’s soft hair curl around his fingers, to know what it was like to--

Ryan pulled back to look at him and Shane’s mind went blank. Ryan placed a tentative hand on Shane’s cheek, and Shane hesitantly allowed himself to lean into the touch. Ryan’s eyes were warm and red rimmed and staring at Shane with such an intensity that he began to feel himself rapidly unraveling. 

Ryan chuckled softly. “I don’t wanna fuck this up man. I-I just got you back.” Shane watched as Ryan’s gaze fell to the floor. 

Shane was silent as his heart slammed against his ribcage. He was just as terrified as Ryan and was surprised that they’d even managed to get this far. He drew up a shaky hand and clasped it over Ryan’s, giving it a light squeeze. Ryan gave him a smile at that and Shane’s heart melted. Ryan gently began to swipe his thumb beneath Shane’s bottom lip, as if he was too afraid to touch it directly. Shane tilted his head every so slightly and pressed a soft kiss to the pad of Ryan’s thumb. 

Ryan shuddered and Shane felt like his knees might give out. Ryan leaned toward him slowly, as if he was giving Shane more time to back out. 

Shane knew he couldn’t if he tried. 

Ryan lips gently pressed against Shane’s, and Shane felt something ignite in his chest. He moved the hand that rested over Ryan’s to the back of his head, lightly running his fingers through Ryan’s hair. Ryan gasped at the touch and wrapped his arms tightly around Shane, drawing their bodies closer against one another. Shane flushed, shivering as he felt Ryan’s tongue moving along his bottom lip, allowing Ryan to lick inside his mouth. He leaned heavily against Ryan and could tell one of them, possibly both of them, were shaking just from the kiss alone. They pulled apart for air and Ryan rested his forehead against Shane’s, both of them breathless. 

“I don’t wanna rush this,” Ryan mumbled and Shane could hear the strain in his voice. “I wanna uh...take our time with this. If you want this.” 

Shane bit his lip. He felt waves of emotion crashing into him and it was nearly too much, but Ryan wanting to take things slow was a huge relief. 

“Okay,” he replied softly. 

Ryan stiffened against him. “Okay, you do want this, or okay, you don’t want this?” 

Shane chuckled. “I do,” he whispered, tightening the hold he had on Ryan to emphasize his point. 

He drew back then, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to stand anymore tenderness, and not wanting to retreat back into a place where he’d convinced himself he could never have this and shouldn’t want it. 

“Is Sara awake?” Ryan asked, and there was a warmth in his expression. 

“Well, when I left she was still--” Shane started. 

“Here I am,” Sara said from behind him. 

They both turned around to face her and Shane saw Ryan dart across the room to pull Sara into a big hug, lifting her off the ground. She _squealed_ in surprise, and Shane wasn’t sure he’d ever heard that sound from her before but he was absolutely delighted by it. 

He felt like his heart might burst as he watched two of the people he loved most look at each other with such fondness. He could feel wetness prickle behind his eyes and had to look away for a moment. 

Ryan spun Sara in a circle before setting her back down. 

“So did you two finally do, The Do?” Sara teased, waggling her eyebrows. Shane flushed at her bluntness. 

Ryan laughed. “Not yet but there was a bit of tonsil hockey.” 

“Is that seriously how you refer to it?” Shane asked incredulously, trying to calm his racing heart at the fact that Ryan had said “not yet” with regards to the two of them having sex. 

“Awww so I missed the show?” Sara asked and straight up stuck out her lower lip and pouted. 

Shane didn’t think he’d ever seen Sara do that and his heart fluttered with just how cute she looked. He figured Ryan must have been having the same thought when he said, 

“Dude come on we can’t say no to that face!” Ryan grinned. 

“No I suppose not,” Shane replied, huffing out a laugh. 

Sara made her way to the couch, making a big show of sitting down and draping her arms over the back of it which had Shane and Ryan dissolving into giggles. 

Ryan took Shane by the hand so that they were standing directly in front of Sara. Shane felt his breath catch when Ryan’s eyes met his own. Ryan had seen Sara and Shane kiss a few times before, even though they weren’t that big on PDA. But this somehow felt more intense. Maybe it was because he was being deliberately watched. This was only the second time he’d ever kissed Ryan and having Sara there made it so much more special somehow. His stomach flipped and twisted in an odd new way. 

His cheeks reddened as Ryan cupped his cheek, reverently rubbing his thumb across it. Their lips met and Ryan yanked Shane forwards so that they were flush against each other. Shane’s hands made their way to Ryan’s hair, his touch less tentative this time, his need leaking out of him. He heard Ryan make a small sound of surprise as Shane slipped his tongue into Ryan’s mouth and tugged lightly on his hair. Ryan moaned, his hands coming up to clutch at Shane’s shoulders as he ran his tongue along Shane’s. 

When they pulled apart and looked back at Sara, she was staring at them with a light blush and blown pupils. 

“Damn,” she said softly. 

Shane’s eyes darted from Sara’s soft pink lips, glistening where she had licked over them, to Ryan’s lips, parted and plush. The thought that he knew what both of them felt like, what both of them _tasted_ like--

“I want to see you kiss Ryan,” Shane blurted out to the surprise of all three of them. 

“W-What?” Ryan asked. “Are you sure?” 

“I--You don’t have to if you don’t--” 

“Well I mean you _did_ just let me watch you kiss Ryan so it’s only fair,” Sara said coyly and Ryan smirked in reply. 

Shane’s entire body flushed with heat as Sara and he switched places. “And...Mari’s okay with this?” he asked. 

He had been able to pick up on the fact that Mari had no issue about Ryan and him, given the fact that she’d been rather brazen about it on several occasions and Sara had pointed it out a few times too. 

Ryan gave him a look that Shane couldn’t read and then smiled down at him. “I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it wasn’t,” he replied. 

Ryan turned towards Sara before glancing back at Shane. “And you two are sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yes,” Shane and Sara said in unison, their voices a little breathless. 

“We’re good for your ego,” Sara giggled. 

Ryan chuckled, biting back a retort, before returning his attention to Sara. Shane felt his mouth go dry as he watched Ryan’s fingers curl around Sara’s small, round hips. Ryan was looking at her with a hunger Shane had never witnessed and want curled low in his stomach. Sara beamed up at him, her cheeks pretty and flushed as she placed her hands on the back of Ryan’s neck. 

Ryan opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it immediately as he gazed over at Shane. 

“It’s okay to...say what you’re going to say,” Shane said softly, his voice lower than it had been before. 

“Please say it?” Sara asked, and there was a girlish whine to her voice that Shane had never heard but it was only making him feel hotter as he watched them both. 

“Well I can’t say no when you beg so pretty,” Ryan murmured and Shane couldn’t help but let out a groan. 

He flushed in surprise at his reaction and Sara and Ryan smirked at him in amusement. 

“You’re gorgeous,” Ryan said adoringly. He slid one of his hands up Sara’s side, dipping in at her waist and coming to rest on the back of her head. Her delicate body trembled beneath the warm press of his hand, her cheeks reddening at the way he was looking at her. 

Shane felt his breath catch as a heat settled in his stomach. He could see Sara’s eyes shimmering in the morning light, the softness in Ryan’s expression, as Ryan leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sara. His eyes widened as he heard Sara whimper her fingers curling into Ryan’s t-shirt. 

“You don’t have to be so gentle with me,” Sara murmured as Ryan lifted Sara off the ground, securing her legs around his waist. He slipped his tongue into her mouth and Sara whined against him, squirming in a way she only did when she was wet and, well, ready. 

“F-fuck,” Shane shuddered, feeling himself grow hard in his chinos. This was a side of both of them he hadn’t seen and goosebumps rose on his skin at the thought. 

Ryan slid his hand to the back of Sara’s neck, and Shane’s eyes widened at the size difference. He squirmed on the couch, trying not to show how aroused he was, even though Ryan had a very visible boner and Sara was moaning into Ryan’s mouth. 

Sara and Ryan pulled back to catch their breaths, Ryan intermittently placing little kisses along Sara’s face. They both turned to look at Shane and Ryan quirked his eyebrow. 

“Guess ‘Big Guy’ was meant to be your nickname,” Ryan crooned as he glanced at Shane’s lap. Shane’s hands had curled into fists on his thighs. 

Sara rested her head against Ryan’s shoulder, curling into his arms. “So, what are we gonna do about...that?” Sara asked nodding from Ryan to Shane. 

“Don’t act innocent, if I shoved my fingers into your panties right now you’d be soaking wet,” Shane said, his voice dropping an octave. 

“ _Shane_ ,” Sara breathed, biting her lip. Ryan stared at him in shock but there was heat behind his gaze. 

“I...I don’t know where that came from,” Shane admitted, surprised himself. 

Ryan looked between Sara and Shane. “Oh god,” Ryan said, hanging his head. “Shane, you’re so emotionally constipated and you’re both so conflict avoidant that you’ve never discussed your kinks have you?”

Sara and Shane blushed, shaking their heads. Ryan set Sara down on the couch next to Shane and grinned at the shy little smile Sara gave him. “Okay obviously we’re gonna talk about this at some point,” he told them. 

Sara looked up at Ryan. “So...how does Mari feel about all of this?” 

Shane nodded in agreement and watched as a soft smile spread itself over Ryan’s face. 

“She said she wants to get to know the two of you better,” Ryan replied. He appeared sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Actually, I was gonna tell you guys sooner but uh...I think we all got a little distracted.” 

“Well _that’s_ an understatement,” Sara replied. 

“Tell us what?” Shane asked casually, though he could feel the slither of anxiety snaking its way up his spine. 

“Mari and I booked a trip to the Bahamas. For four,” Ryan answered, grinning unabashedly at the both of them. 

Sara and Shane blinked at him in surprise. 

“It’s in a few weeks and there’s still time to cancel if you--” 

“When should we start packing?” Sara asked and the three of them burst into laughter.


End file.
